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So far, we’ve got one dedicated author named Joe. We call him “Forwarder Joe” because he gets TONS of forwards in his inbox and he only passes on the best forwards. His filtering skills are beyond exceptional, making sure you don’t waste your time with lame emails. Forwarder Joe is the first Freeple, are you the second?
“I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!”
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon……… You got nice house.”
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy…
…you just hoped nobody ever found out!
Who said dogs aren’t smart? Watch this video that arrived in my inbox the other day:
Smart Dog Gets a Sandwich and a Pepsi
Ha!
At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, “Up or down ?”
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down ?”
The woman replied, “Down.”
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, “Up or down ?”
She replied, “Up.”
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!”
She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.”
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks “Are they twins”?
The woman says “No, he’s 9 and she’s 7.
“Why? Do you think they look alike?”
“No”, he replies, “I just can’t believe you got laid twice”!
An elderly couple was attending a church service.
Halfway through the sermon the women leans over and says to her husband, “I just passed a silent fart!, What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid!”
Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff. Here’s proof…
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower Steve, Bruce and Jed.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Jed says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, “Where did you get that, Jed?”
“Steve’s wife gave it to me,” Jed replies.
“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”
Well, not exactly, Jed says.”When she opened the door I said to her, “You must be Steve’s widow.”
“No, I’m not a widow.”
And I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.”
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t - the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
“What happened?” asked Hillary.
“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.
The driver replied: “I said, I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the old cow.”
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided
to buy one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He thought that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day!
I found for Christmas 2005
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. “It worked, the headaches are all gone!”
The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!”
A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a
letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with
trembling hands:
“It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling
you that I eloped with my new boyfriend.
I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his
piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed
said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and
that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marihuana doesn’t hurt
anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends,who are
providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime,
we’ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get
better, he deserves it.
Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit for you to know your
grandchildren.”
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbour’s
house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than
the school’s report card that’s in my desk drawer…I love you!
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