Funny Forward Archive
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday. I’d like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster… everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, well Dear, what was it like being six again??
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Ouch! Wow! Whoa! Not Good!
Lots of great not good pictures:
Notgood.pps
Want to buy some girl scout cookies?
girlscoutcookies.wmv
I’ve seen plenty of men (for some reason), doing the classic “peck flex” but I’ve never seen a woman do this…
womanpeckflex.wmv
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving within the last year
Can you guess which organization this is? NBA? NFL?
Give up? Scroll down
Neither.
It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group who crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep us in line.
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
“You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”
SCENE 1
A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought, “Funny, I thought I locked the locker. Hmmmmm.” He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order. Everything looked okay - all cards were in place.
A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000!
He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions. Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen.
“No,” he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep - you guessed it - a switch had been made. An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet. The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.
Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them. How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy? $9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped? Small amounts rarely trigger a “warning bell” with some credit card companies. It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!
SCENE 2
A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card. The bill for the meal came, he signed it, and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.
Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person. He called the waitress and she looked perplexed. She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man. All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card. No exchange of words — nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology.
Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet at yours. Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken away for even a short period of time. Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, “assuming” that it has to be theirs.
FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!
SCENE 3
Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in. I paid by using my Visa Check Card, which, of course, is linked directly to my checking account.
The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, and then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure. While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing.
I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture. He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons. Meanwhile, I’m thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on. It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I’m paying close attention to what he is doing.
He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open. About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.
Now I’m standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card. Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened. Needless to say, I immediately canceled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlor.
All I am saying is be aware of your surroundings at all times. Whenever you are using your credit cards, take caution and don’t be careless. Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card. Be aware of phones because many have a camera phone these days.
When you are in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress brings your card and receipt for you to sign, make sure you scratch the number off. Some restaurants are using only the last four digits, but a lot of them are still putting the whole thing on there. I have already been a victim of credit card fraud, believe me, it is not fun. The truth is that they can get you even when you are careful, but don’t make it easy for them.
Ha! She looks thrilled to be wearing this!
Check out this video of Japanese making fun of Americans:
RestaurantConspiracy.wmv
How many times have you wondered how strong those cement barriers are that you see in front of military base entrances?
From time to time someone asks me what the concrete barriers are in front of controlled and secure buildings. When I tell them that the barriers will stop traffic, even trucks, from approaching the secure building I usually get a look of disbelief.
I have been looking for some footage like this to prove my point. In this test, the following parameters were used. Read them and then watch the film Clip.
- Truck = 65,000 lbs.
- Speed = 50 mph
- Kinetic Energy = 5.5 MILLION ft. lbs.
- Stopped in 24 inches!
Watch the video:
VehicleCementBarrier.wmv
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”
That’s when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
If your spouse gave you full permission to sleep with another person, would you?
Please respond yes or no and state if you are male or female.
Also would you allow the same of your spouse?
Thanks
A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see…Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered… “Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.”
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
and finally…
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, I’m sorry. Was I tickling you? “She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’.”
Dr. wouldn’t admit his name
Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space.
They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women execs…
The result… well…
We all know that men never talk…
Never look at each other…
and never laugh much in the restroom…
The men’s room is a serious and quiet place…
But now with the addition of one mural on the wall, lets just say the men’s restroom is a place of laughter and smiles…
Two Indians and a Maple Ridge Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
“No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call ‘Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered,”Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
Immediately,there was an answering “Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Maple Ridge Times newspaper read…
“NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN”
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
“I just can’t take that chance.”
Share on Facebook
Loading ...
