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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday. The first Friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, “Who is the comedian with two black balls?” Little Johnny said,” Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked…
“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What hell have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.
Jack Bauer is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Jack Bauer is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Jack Bauer counted to infinity - twice.
When Jack Bauer does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Jack Bauer is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Jack Bauer doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Jack Bauer gave Mona Lisa that smile.
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(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5) Loading ...“If President George W. Bush was on the Red Sux, which position would he play and why?”
A Poem by Andrew Swetonic
An adaptation of the classic, “‘Twas the Night before Christmas”
‘Twas the night of June 8th and all through Ruth’s House
All the creatures were screaming, “George W’s a louse!”
But George waved it off, for he did not care,
Approval ratings mean nothing, to an oil tycoon heir
The Yankees were perplexed, as they all scratched their heads
“Why is ‘W’ on the Red Sox?”; “I’d rather he’s dead.”
But George did not care, with Cheney by his side,
“Just look at the cocky bastard, his grin is 14 feet wide.”
When out of the bullpen there arose such a clatter
W sprang from the gate and went straight towards the batter
“Be right there!” to Mr. Ortiz, W raves and he rants
Then he tore open Dave’s trousers and pulled down his pants
The crowd just gasped, shocked by what they just saw
He’d put Dave’s cock in his mouth as he unhitched his jaw
“What position is this?” there arose from a mutter
“Why I’ve got it now, he’s the Red Sox new Fluffer!”
A fluffer you see, is the Sox 26th man
He’ll put 2 in his mouth and take one in the can
As happy as a school boy, W called them by name
And he whistled, and shouted, as each one of them came
“Now Schilling! now, Manny! And Coco you vixen!
On, Wily! On, Snow! and even Trot Nixon!
To the top of the Green Monster! To the top of the wall!
I’ll blow and I’ll blow and I’ll blow away all!”
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
As he filled up his mouth and gave others a jerk.
And laying his finger inside Wakefield’s big keister
“Well,” Jeter sighed “At least he didn’t fist her.”
Then he sprang from his knees, to his team gave a whistle,
And away Georgie flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he finished his fellate
“May God Bless You All, and Vote Jeb in ‘08!”
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(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...I’m sending this out to every person I know who is Italian, could be Italian, married an Italian, lived with Italians or wants to be Italian!!!
Let’s start at the beginning. Come stai? Molto bene. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should.
But what about the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American, and a little slang. Words every paesano and Bacciagaloop has heard,-words we hear on The Sopranos and throughout our Little Italy neighborhoods of Philadelphia, New York and New Jersey. This form of language, the “Goomba-Italiano” has been used for generations. It’s not gangster slang terms like “whack” or “vig”, if that’s what you are thinking—nope, this is real guido talk!
The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Mama Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. Capeesh?
He uses a mopeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy (SAUCE to the infidels) and will shkeeve meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real coo-gootz or a Mezzo-finookio.
There are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa.
If you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass A crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you Use it right. Don’t forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego .
If you are feeling mooshadda or stoonad or mezzo-morto, always head to Nonna’s and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott, cavadell, or calamar, or some ricotta cheesecake.
Mangia some zeppoles, canollis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell, pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso! I think I will fix myself a sangweech of cabagol with some proshoot and mozarell or maybe just a hot slice of peetza…
So salud if you have any Italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! Then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas.
If you don’t get any of this, then fa Nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, mia dispiachay, I didn’t mean that… Just… fugheddaboudit!!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted. A few moments passed… “An ambulance just drove by…”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike…..” Moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving…”
“Jason is on his skate board…”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane.
The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So, where are you from?”
The other woman said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied: “So, where are you from, bitch?”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Finally there is proof that mens health is directly related to womens breasts.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Here is a Housekeeping Monthly from 1955 describing how to be a good wife. Someone has gone to the trouble of highlighting the important parts for those lazy bad wives out there.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Here is a funny TV commercial:
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Here’s picture proof of global warming:
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. The lawyer asked, “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…” “I didn’t ask for any details”, The lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at
the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now what would you say?”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest ask, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I’ll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I’m sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino. slides over and whispers, What’d you get??
Four months vacation and five good leads!!!!!!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in t! hat rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “However,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional!”
“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go To Hell’, just can’t stay on the church roof!”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...13 Reasons Not to Drink With “Friends“
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says, “Where are you going?”
He says, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She says, “Are you sick?” He says, “No, I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He says, “Where are you going?”
She says, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He says, “Why?”
She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
