Funny Forward Archive
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.Â
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer is as cool as Edgar is fat.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Jack Bauer doesnt like killing people. He loves it.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
We need Jack Bauer because the U.S. Constitution only defines Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches of government. Apparently the Framers of the Constitution forgot all about the Ass-Kicking branch.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What hell have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.
Jack Bauer is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Jack Bauer is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Jack Bauer counted to infinity – twice.
When Jack Bauer does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Jack Bauer is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Jack Bauer doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Jack Bauer gave Mona Lisa that smile.
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“If President George W. Bush was on the Red Sux, which position would he play and why?”
A Poem by Andrew Swetonic
An adaptation of the classic, “‘Twas the Night before Christmas”
‘Twas the night of June 8th and all through Ruth’s House
All the creatures were screaming, “George W’s a louse!”
But George waved it off, for he did not care,
Approval ratings mean nothing, to an oil tycoon heir
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The Yankees were perplexed, as they all scratched their heads
“Why is ‘W’ on the Red Sox?”; “I’d rather he’s dead.”
But George did not care, with Cheney by his side,
“Just look at the cocky bastard, his grin is 14 feet wide.”
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When out of the bullpen there arose such a clatter
W sprang from the gate and went straight towards the batter
“Be right there!” to Mr. Ortiz, W raves and he rants
Then he tore open Dave’s trousers and pulled down his pants
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The crowd just gasped, shocked by what they just saw
He’d put Dave’s cock in his mouth as he unhitched his jaw
“What position is this?” there arose from a mutter
“Why I’ve got it now, he’s the Red Sox new Fluffer!”
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A fluffer you see, is the Sox 26th man
He’ll put 2 in his mouth and take one in the can
As happy as a school boy, W called them by name
And he whistled, and shouted, as each one of them came
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“Now Schilling! now, Manny! And Coco you vixen!
On, Wily! On, Snow! and even Trot Nixon!
To the top of the Green Monster! To the top of the wall!
I’ll blow and I’ll blow and I’ll blow away all!”
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He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
As he filled up his mouth and gave others a jerk.
And laying his finger inside Wakefield’s big keister
“Well,” Jeter sighed “At least he didn’t fist her.”
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Then he sprang from his knees, to his team gave a whistle,
And away Georgie flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he finished his fellate
“May God Bless You All, and Vote Jeb in ’08!”
I’m sending this out to every person I know who is Italian, could be Italian, married an Italian, lived with Italians or wants to be Italian!!!
Let’s start at the beginning. Come stai? Molto bene. Bon giorno. Ciao. Arrivederci. Every Italian from Italy knows these words and every Italian-American should.
But what about the goomba speech pattern? Those words and phrases that are a little Italian, a little American, and a little slang. Words every paesano and Bacciagaloop has heard,-words we hear on The Sopranos and throughout our Little Italy neighborhoods of Philadelphia, New York and New Jersey. This form of language, the “Goomba-Italiano” has been used for generations. It’s not gangster slang terms like “whack” or “vig”, if that’s what you are thinking—nope, this is real guido talk!
The goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. He says Mama Mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. Mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. Capeesh?
He uses a mopeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy (SAUCE to the infidels) and will shkeeve meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. Always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real coo-gootz or a Mezzo-finookio.
There are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa.
If you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass A crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you Use it right. Don’t forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego .
If you are feeling mooshadda or stoonad or mezzo-morto, always head to Nonna’s and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott, cavadell, or calamar, or some ricotta cheesecake.
Mangia some zeppoles, canollis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell, pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. Delizioso! I think I will fix myself a sangweech of cabagol with some proshoot and mozarell or maybe just a hot slice of peetza…
So salud if you have any Italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! Then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas.
If you don’t get any of this, then fa Nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. Scuzi, mia dispiachay, I didn’t mean that… Just… fugheddaboudit!!!
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted. A few moments passed… “An ambulance just drove by…”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike…..” Moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving…”
“Jason is on his skate board…”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too.”
A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane.
The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So, where are you from?”
The other woman said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied: “So, where are you from, bitch?”
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