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Loading ...Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell…
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After Brokeback Mountain
1. “I’m gonna pump you fulla lead!”
2. “Give me a stiff one, barkeep!”
3. “Don’t fret—I’ve been in tight spots before.”
4. “Howdy, pardner.”
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.”
6. Two words: “Saddle Sore.”
7. “Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like.”
8. “Let’s mount up!”
9. “Nice spread ya got there!”
10. “Ride’em cowboy!”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness..”
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did…why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Sometimes nature is cruel. But there is also beauty in that cruelty.
The alligator is one of the elite predators in nature. However, even it can fall victim to the ‘wolf pack’ strategy , made possible due to the canine’s intelligence and social structure. A pack of wild dogs in Florida attacked and killed an alligator.
See the remarkable attached photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...On a Sears hairdryer — “Do not use while sleeping.”
On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness..”
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
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(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did…why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)
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(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5) Loading ...She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don’t think she’s coming back!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill’s company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill’s employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn’t believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!
That’s a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
That’s three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird — there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.
And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!
And to think the phrase “bird brain” is associated with being dumb. Not these birds!!!
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(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5) Loading ...Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to “Hysterias and Posteriors. “This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go. Next, they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again. Then came “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.” Still no good. Another attempt resulted in “Minds and Behinds.” unacceptable again. So they tried “Lost Souls and Butt Holes.” No way. “Analysis and Anal Cysts?” Nope. “Nuts and Butts?” Uh uh. Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go.” Loons and Moons?” Forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:
“Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.” Everyone loved it.
THEY FORGOT “HEADS & TAILS”!!!!!!!
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(2 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5) Loading ...This one should be on a good majority of cars out there, and definitely on all yuppie gas guzzling SUVs.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...This one is for all of you who: a) have kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said…
“Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy is gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”
She replied, “Where did my booger go?”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents.
They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.
The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.
The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun!
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.
The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!
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(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...Theodore Roosevelt’s ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.
“In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American…
There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag…
We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language… And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt 1907
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks “How will I recognize him?”
“That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
“A female horth.”
So he shows him a prized filly.
“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth, can I see her mouf”?
The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nice mouf, can I see her twat”?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s butt, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. “Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...HA! They really are getting desperate to get rid of Bush.
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