Funny Forward Archive
Sometimes nature is cruel. But there is also beauty in that cruelty.
The alligator is one of the elite predators in nature. However, even it can fall victim to the ‘wolf pack’ strategy , made possible due to the canine’s intelligence and social structure. A pack of wild dogs in Florida attacked and killed an alligator.
See the remarkable attached photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine.
On a Sears hairdryer — “Do not use while sleeping.”
On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness..”
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did…why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don’t think she’s coming back!!
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill’s company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill’s employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn’t believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!
That’s a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
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That’s three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird — there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.
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And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!
And to think the phrase “bird brain” is associated with being dumb. Not these birds!!!
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