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(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ...Boss Asks Employee: “Do you believe that there is Life After Death?”
Employee: “Certainly not, there’s no proof of it.” he replied.
Boss: “Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother’s funeral, he came here looking for you!”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...New tough looking cop car:
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Check out this funny video:
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(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5) Loading ...A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country… we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell “Mississippi’.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Oh my god, this is just plain wrong…
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
Well,” said the big gator, “What you been eatin boy?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm. Well, where you been catchin’ em?”
“Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?”
“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a Politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
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(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he told her he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked him how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey”, she said, “you received a very strange post card today”.
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later” he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with meatballs; one without.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...They were together in the House. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance… and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that… more than anything.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out… She screamed…
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn’t hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn’t resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on… as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong… Their families would never understand…
So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors… just the faint click of a camera…
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
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How do they do that??
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds la ter, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2. A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman…
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Here’s an audio forward of a prank pulled on a police answering machine. Pretty funny…
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