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(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.”
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay “them ”
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.
The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, “Did your Mom tell you to ask me?” the boy said, “Yes, she did.” “Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time.
Have your Mom explain that to you.”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion” in a casual manner, think about whether you want the “politicians” spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let’s take a look at New Orleans. It’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?
Washington, D.C. HELLO!!! … Are all your calculators broken??
This is too true to be very funny
Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him until he’s good and sore.
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
“Taxes drove me to my doom!”
And when he’s gone,
We won’t relax,
We’ll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Serv ice Fe e Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago. And there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened?????
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you Know me?”
To which she replies, “I think your the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
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(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5) Loading ...As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds who are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possesion in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to “care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,” I was moved by some powerful, inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, “Reach out, reach out!”
So I did……….
I get out of the hospital in about 3 months. It would be nice to get! a card or maybe a visitor.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...And just look at silly me. I’ve only been drinking the stuff!!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Does anyone remember the New York blackout of 2003?
The images of New York have now been released:
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now… cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train… cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train… but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She heard her little darling continue, “For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen”.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...If you ever wondered the answer to that question or are now just curious, you have to watch this video:
Crazy!!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
What do they say? the priest inquired. They say, ~Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?
That’s obscene! the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
“Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase, in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi. We’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence.
Then one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.”
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(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: “If you catch me, you can have me.”
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone, “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies,” I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: “I’m Dave. If I catch you, you’re mine…”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...All you New York Yankee Fans will love this!
Roxbury MA - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his
Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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