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(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ...A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as persons.”
“Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little smart-ass on your knee!”
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Oh my god, these are some of the craziest photoshop jobs I’ve seen. Use the left/right arrow keys to see the differences of the model before and after being digitally edited.
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(3 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5) Loading ...
Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
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(4 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5) Loading ...If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, ” Did I wake you ???? ”
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat dinner at 4 pm
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Office work
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Dear Friends:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000.00 for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington D.C. Hall Of Fame. We are having a bit of difficulty as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Thank you.
The Bill Clinton Monument Committee.
P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
P.S.S. And another thing…..Now let me get this straight. Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That’s $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.
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(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...#10 Life is sexually transmitted.
#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a slinky… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
#2 In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007…
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven’t a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...For the Animal Lovers out there… Some truly wonderful pictures…
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(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...Check out some live videos of Testing Chester at T-Bone’s in Valley Cottage, NY (courtesy of the almighty YouTube):
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(3 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. Especially with the approaching temperatures! It was to me, and it’s very well written.
“WINTER”
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
“SHIT !!
It’s Cold !”
The End
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(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5) Loading ...
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(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man,
“Sir,you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can, and will be held against you.”
The drunk replies,”Tits”
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(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can’t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I’d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I were a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light
switch away.
Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”
9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...FREE-FOR-NOW GPS TOOL
Just enter any cell phone number and
by linking GPS and cell tower info
it finds the location of that cellphone.
http://mobilebacktrack.com
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(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5) Loading ... Share on Facebook
(3 votes, average: 2.67 out of 5) Loading ...Trust me sweetie, I’m your husband, I know hunting — you don’t. Now just wear this lucky hat I made for you, and get out there!
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this”, said the man.
“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’… I don’t remember much after that.”
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(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!”
Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes………”
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(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading .....1…Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
..2…Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is no money in the account?
..3…Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
..4…Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
..5…Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
..6…Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
..7…Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
..8…Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
..9…Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
..10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
..11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
..12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
..13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
..14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
..15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
..16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
..17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
..18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
..19..In winter why do we try to
