Funny Forward Archive
Great perspective on “Old Age†from a curtain climber point of view!!!!!
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their Holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
For all of you Mothers out there…
“Why my lips stayed chapped on Mother’s Day”
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack’s . . . rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.” Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right–their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your chapstick on the cat’s butt.
Two Proposals Worth Considering…
New Gas Plan… Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would have to come down as a result.
New Immigration Plan… Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America, then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier’s pay
while he’s there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq, and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, “Yes 100%… a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. Then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says.
“For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls… no point in you coming in for that.”
It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director. The teaspoon, teacup and bucket are indicators which define the level of insanity. A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
DID YOU PASS? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ????
(3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)
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