Funny Forward Archive
Today I had to replace light bulbs in the kitchen. But my sweet wife told me I was too old and clumsy to be standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor to help me out & I held the ladder while the bulbs were being replaced.
Sometimes getting older doesn’t mean getting stupid…
Be nice to others, because…
Time will make a difference
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of “pretend” bills without enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation).
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name. Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me.”
The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.
The 82nd Airborne captured the #3 terrorist on their list last night near Baghdad.
“WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN”
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . . and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
You gotta love it!!! God Bless America!
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can’t hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I’d like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty’s only a light switch away.
Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”
9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and…. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
They found the bones of Prophet Hud’s people
Prophet Hud’s [Peace be Upon Him] people were huge. Gargantic. Apparently we need a stupid e-mail to remind ourselves. Someone forwarded this to me:
“Hamzah, please look at this picture. It contains a picture that will disprove Darwin and Athiests will convert to Islam. Please send it to all your kafir friends.”
The e-mail also read that the Saudi government was keeping it secret. IF IT WAS REAL WHY WOULD THEY KEEP IT SECRET YOU IDIOTS.
That’s the real deal. I mean it’s called Photoshop people. You can do anything with it.
Make pictures where X marks the spot.
Or use the picture to advertise your site.
We don’t need a lame Photoshop picture to believe that Hud’s people were big. Stop forwarding this to me dumbos.
Share on Facebook
(6 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)
Loading ...
