Funny Forward Archive
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No , that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, bu t also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE!!
Card Wedding 
You got to love this guy… This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F—you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F— you!'
Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge–making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of
church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8×10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.
There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD
A Mastercard Wedding
At a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother’s cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans” that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?
Take a look…you won’t believe your eyes!!
Now, please tell me one more time……….why can’t the rest of the world get along?
You know you grew up in the 80’s if…
1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
3. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on Blossom
4. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”
5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
8. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
9. You played the game “MASH”(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
11. You know the profound meaning of ” WAX ON , WAX OFF”
12. You wanted to be a Goonie.
13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us…head-to-toe)
14. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
16. You took lunch boxes to school…and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
17. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
18. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.
19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
21. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
22. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
23. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
24. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
25. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
26. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
27. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
28. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
29. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
30. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool…and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”
31. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.
32. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
33. You just sang those words to yourself.
34. You still sing “We are the World”
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a banana clip.
37. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
38. You used to (and probably still do)
say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”
39. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you!
Poor poor dogs. They must hate Halloween. They don’t even get to eat ANY of the candy!
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand ..
And “lollipop” is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.? (Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose never stop growing.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You’re not doubting this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.” (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that’s about what my memory span is.)
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before!!
The Rain-Thomas Kinkade
This is a Thomas Kinkade painting.
These are some of the most creative Halloween pumpkins I have ever seen.
“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office? Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith…. He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd…. did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)
On a Sears hairdryer — “Do not use while sleeping.”
On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness..”
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did…why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?)
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill’s company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill’s employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn’t believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!
That’s a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
That’s three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird — there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.
And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!
And to think the phrase “bird brain” is associated with being dumb. Not these birds!!!
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