Funny Forward Archive

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Denver and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay.' he says, 'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

Posted by Freeple Anna in: Forwards on Wednesday, Nov 26th, 2008 at 9:50am UTC
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Kids Are Quick!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No , that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, bu t also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE!!

Posted by Freeple Anna in: Forwards on Saturday, Jun 7th, 2008 at 1:20pm UTC
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Priceless

Card Wedding

You got to love this guy… This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F—you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F— you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge–making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8×10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

A Mastercard Wedding

Posted by Freeple Anna in: Forwards on Friday, Apr 4th, 2008 at 6:00pm UTC
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Pigs in a blanket

At a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother’s cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans” that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?

Take a look…you won’t believe your eyes!!

Now, please tell me one more time……….why can’t the rest of the world get along?

Posted by Freeple Anna in: Forwards, Pictures on Monday, Nov 12th, 2007 at 12:45pm UTC
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Remember the 80’s

You know you grew up in the 80’s if…

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

3. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on Blossom

4. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”

5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

8. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

9. You played the game “MASH”(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

11. You know the profound meaning of ” WAX ON , WAX OFF”

12. You wanted to be a Goonie.

13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us…head-to-toe)

14. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

16. You took lunch boxes to school…and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

17. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

18. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.

19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

21. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.

22. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”

23. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

24. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

25. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

26. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

27. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

28. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

29. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

30. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool…and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”

31. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.

32. You know all the words to Bon Jovi – SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

33. You just sang those words to yourself.

34. You still sing “We are the World”

35. You tight rolled your jeans.

36. You owned a banana clip.

37. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”

38. You used to (and probably still do)
say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”

39. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you!