Funny Forward Archive
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 lb. left testicle, 3 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown”.
The white guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says. “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy asks, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 lbs., I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 lbs., my right testicle weighs 3 lbs., and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?….Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around”!
SAM & BESSIE
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in south Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home.
He proudly walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”
Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat.
MUTUAL WHAT?
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this Sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’
“‘Mutual orgasm’ here and ‘mutual orgasm’ there-that’s all they talk about. Tell Me Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have ‘mutual orgasm?’”
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
Gas - The Answer!!
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
  I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They’re plentiful and cheaper than buying gas
|
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!
Two buddies, Tony and Billy, are getting very
drunk at a bar when suddenly Billy throws up all over himself. “Oh, no.
Now Jane will kill me!”
Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty
in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually, Billy rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.
“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over
yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says:
“Nowainaminit,I can e’splain everything!
Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy
got sick on me… he’d had one too many and he just couldn’t hold his
liquor. He said he was very sorry an’ gave me $20 bucks for the
cleaning bill!”
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says:
“But this is forty bucks.”
“Oh, yeah… I almos’ forgot” says Billy,
“he crapped in my pants, too….!!”
He never saw the frying pan, but vaguely remembers hearing
a gong.
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, he?!”
Arthur said, “Ya, that was me…”
God commented, “Well, what’s the big deal of inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman???”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention”:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!”
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but …according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
When a Woman Wears Leather
|
AND THE ANSWER IS .
It’s because .
She smells like a new truck !!! |
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with: “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite
restaurant and ordered lunch.
A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.
When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his
“generosity” and she said she could tell the character of a diner
by the way he tipped.
“Well, what could you tell about me?” he asked.
“You put three pennies in a neat row,” said the waitress, “and
that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me
you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a
bachelor.”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “But what does the third penny tell
you?”
“The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too.”
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