Two buddies, Tony and Billy, are getting very
drunk at a bar when suddenly Billy throws up all over himself. “Oh, no.
Now Jane will kill me!”
Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty
in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually, Billy rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.
“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over
yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says:
“Nowainaminit,I can e’splain everything!
Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy
got sick on me… he’d had one too many and he just couldn’t hold his
liquor. He said he was very sorry an’ gave me $20 bucks for the
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says:
“But this is forty bucks.”
“Oh, yeah… I almos’ forgot” says Billy,
“he crapped in my pants, too….!!”
He never saw the frying pan, but vaguely remembers hearing
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, he?!”
Arthur said, “Ya, that was me…”
God commented, “Well, what’s the big deal of inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman???”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention”:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!”
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but …according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
When a Woman Wears Leather
AND THE ANSWER IS .
It’s because .
She smells like a new truck !!!
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with: “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”