How do you like this security system???
An owner in Mexico got tired of thugs breaking into his shop so he came up with this idea………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………….
I will give you five minutes to stop laughing and pass this on to a friend, they might need a good laugh!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee..
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine..
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through
oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere
from holes.. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any
excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling
trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail..
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
I
mpound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:
‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’
Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal…
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky..
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat..
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase..
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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