Funny Forward Archive


MEXICAN LION

How do you like this security system???

An owner in Mexico got tired of thugs breaking into his shop so he came up with this idea………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………….

 

Mex lion

Mex lion 2

I will give you five minutes to stop laughing and pass this on to a friend, they might need a good laugh!

 

From Freeple sage1268 in: Forwards, Pictures on Mon, Aug 17th, 2009 at 11:03am
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JOB

REPEAT AFTER ME……………………………………………………..I WILL NOT COMPLAIN ……………………………..ABOUT MY JOB

 

Job

From Freeple sage1268 in: Forwards, Pictures on Mon, Aug 17th, 2009 at 10:49am
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OIL CHANGE

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches   3000 miles since the

last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee..

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained

vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

==========

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of

oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check

for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive

home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine..

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in

process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.

Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through

oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere

from holes.. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid

environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to

gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw

kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with

oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench

tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any

excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling

trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled

during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail..

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00
I

mpound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!


From Freeple sage1268 in: Forwards, Jokes on Sat, Aug 8th, 2009 at 4:22am
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Do YOU have a better email forward? Email it to forwards@freeple.com!

Grandmas don’t know EVERYTHING!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’

Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

From Freeple sage1268 in: Forwards, Jokes on Sat, Aug 8th, 2009 at 4:12am
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Why Men are Never Depressed

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal…
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky..
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat..
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase..
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

From Freeple sage1268 in: Forwards on Mon, Jun 1st, 2009 at 6:46pm
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