So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself,

Remember:
Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like an old penis with buck teeth must be horrible!

THIS IS WHAT SORRY LOOKS LIKE……….

WHO WILL NOTICE?

POOR JUDGEMENT……….

GOT INSURANCE??

OUR TAX DOLLARS HARD AT WORK……..

NEVER DRIVE WHILE TALKING ON CELL PHONE……..

I THINK I WILL HOLD IT…………………

FORGETTING ANYTHING?…….

THIS USEFUL TOOL, IS COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 7 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

- - - - - - - - - - - - IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK….you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. - - - - - - - - - - - -IN PRISON…you get three meals a day (free).AT WORK…..you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God !”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical Of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but, perhaps, Could you make the BEAR a Christian.

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.” In Jesus name, amen.

Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. 

But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red

meat on Fridays. So when their neighbor began barbecuing some

juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.  They were

so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.  After much

talk they convinced him to become Catholic.

The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled

holy water on him and said,  “You were born Protestant. You

were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic.”

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their

fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from

the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new

Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on

Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the

beef saying, “You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But

now you are fish.”

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

 (read out loud)  

ENGLISH PHRASE

CHINESE INTERPRETATION

Are you harboring a fugitive?

 Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP

Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man

Dum Gai

Small Horse

Tai Ni PoNi

Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift

Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here

Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed

Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution

Lin Ching

I though you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone

No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?

Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright

Yu So Dum

I got this for free

Ai No Pei

I am not guilty

Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week

Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum?

Stay out of sight

Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile

Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki Pu

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not spank others.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not barf unless I’m sick
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
• I will not conduct my own fire drills.
• Funny noises are not funny.
• I will not snap bras.
• I will not fake seizures.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• My name is not Dr. Death.
• I will not defame New Orleans.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• I will not bring sheep to class.
• A burp is not an answer.
• Teacher is not a leper.
• Coffee is not for kids.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
• The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
• I will not call the principal “spud head”.
• Goldfish don’t bounce.
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing-eye dog.
• I do not have diplomatic immunity.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• I will never win an emmy.
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
• All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
• I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• I am not deliciously saucy.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
• I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
• There are plenty of businesses like show business.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not waste chalk.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• I will not instigate revolution.
• I will not draw naked ladies in class.
• I did not see Elvis.
• I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
• Garlic gum is not funny.
• They are laughing at me, not with me.
• I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
• I will not encourage others to fly.
• I will not fake my way through life.
• Tar is not a plaything.
• I will not Xerox my butt.
• It’s potato, not potatoe.
• I will not trade pants with others.
• I am not a 32 year old woman.
• I will not do that thing with my tongue.
• I will not drive the principal’s car.
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
• I will not sell school property.
• I will not burp in class.
• I will not cut corners.
• I will not get very far with this attitude.
• I will not belch the National Anthem.
• I will not sell land in Florida.
• I will not grease the monkey bars.
• I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
• I will not do anything bad ever again.
• I will not show off.
• I will not sleep through my education.
• I am not a dentist.
• Spitwads are not free speech.
• Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
• High explosives and school don’t mix.
• I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
• I will not squeak chalk.
• I will finish what I sta
• “Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
• I will not torment the emotionally frail.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

2.  Men are like.. Bananas  .. The older they get, the less firm they  are.   

3.  Men are like ..Weather  .. Nothing can be done to change  them.   

4.  Men are like …. Blenders  You need One, but you’re not quite sure  why.   

5.  Men are like …. Chocolate  Bars  …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for  your hips.   

6.  Men are like …. Commercials   …….  You can’t believe a word they  say.   

7.  Men are like  Department Stores  ….. Their clothes are always 1/2  off!   

8.  Men are like ….. . Government  Bonds   ….  They take soooooooo long to  mature.   

9.  Men are like …. . Mascara  . They usually run at the first sign of  emotion.   

10.  Men are like   Popcorn  ….. They satisfy you, but only for a little  while.   

11.  Men are like  Snowstorms  …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches  you’ll get or how long it will  last.   

12.  Men are like …….. Lava  Lamps  … Fun to look at, but not very  bright.   

13.  Men are like  P arking  Spots  All the good ones are taken, the rest are  handicapped.   

You might have to read some a couple of times to get it

     1.My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

       "Just wait until your father gets home."

     2.My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

       "You are going to get it when we get home!"

     3.My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

       "What were you thinking?

       Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

     4.My Mother taught me LOGIC...

       "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,

       you're not going to the store with me.

     5.My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

       "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze

       that way."

       6.My  Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

       "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good

       job.

     7.My Mother taught me ESP...

       "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

     8.My Mother taught me HUMOR...

       "When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to

       me."

     9.My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

       "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow  up."

    10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you

       got here?"

    11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like

       your father."

    12.My Mother taught me about my   ROOTS...

       "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

       "When you get to be my age, you will understand.

    14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll

        have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. ... Then

       you'll see what its like."