Isn’t It Ironic?
The SNAP/Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever. Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S.
Department of the Interior, asks us to “Please Do Not Feed The Animals.” This is because the animals may grow dependent on handouts and not learn to take care of themselves. Thus endeth today ‘s Lesson.
How to be cruel to old guys: AARP Eye Chart
This was written by a guy… it’s pretty damn smart. and funny so just go with it
(Girls — Have a sense of humor!)
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like
it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well…I can clearly see your nuts.”
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in he basket.
What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband. ‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’