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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When
the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.”
This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa
So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself,
Remember:
Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like an old penis with buck teeth must be horrible!
What am I?
THIS USEFUL TOOL, IS COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 7 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
W H A T A M I ? ? ? ?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN…
TOOTHBRUSH. WHAT DID YOU THINK?!
Prison vs Work:
- - - - - - - - - - - - IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK….you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. - - - - - - - - - - - -IN PRISON…you get three meals a day (free).AT WORK…..you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…..you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK…..you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON… you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…..you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…..you have to share.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…..you can not even speak to your family and friends.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK…..you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God !”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical Of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but, perhaps, Could you make the BEAR a Christian.
“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.” In Jesus name, amen.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
1. Men are like .. Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.. Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ..Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like …. Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like …. Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like …. Commercials ……. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ….. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ….. . Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like …. . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ….. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like …….. Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like P arking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Lessons my mother taught me: Any sound familiar?!
1.My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2.My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3.My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4.My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.
5.My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
that way."
6.My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good
job.
7.My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8.My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to
me."
9.My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you
got here?"
11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like
your father."
12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. ... Then
you'll see what its like."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we’re not having any of that gay $#!* in our garden,” she said
LITTLE TONY
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little
TONY.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.”
Then little TONY says, “I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one
that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little TONY replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the
wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”
LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father?
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3,’”
I said “6″, replies TONY.
“But that’s right!” says his dad.
“Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3 x 2?’”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!”
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody
have an
example of a multi-syllable word?”
TONY says “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little TONY, that’s a
mouthful.”
Little TONY says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a
blow job.”
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, ‘Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper
word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’
Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly,
and I will allow you to go.”
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, “You’re an
eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word
“beautiful” in
the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
“My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in
it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called
on little Michael.
“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully.”
She said, “Excellent, Michael!” Then the teacher
reluctantly called on little TONY.
“Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just
fucking
beautiful!’”
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him
said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you.
It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little TONY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107
years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at
a time?”
Little TONY answered, “No, he minded his own fucking
business.
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (’la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As Soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
*******
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (’el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won
Do You Want To See The World After Death?
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“DONATE YOUR EYES”
Have you ever heard that a dog “knows” when an earthquake is about to hit?
Have you ever heard that a dog can “sense” when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?
Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia , dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?
I’m! a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can’t tell me that dogs can’t sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
Simply said, a good ol’ hound dog just KNOWS when something isn’t right . . . when impending doom is upon us . . .
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
____________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it camefrom.
____________________________________________
3) What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
____________________________________________
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
____________________________________________
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
____________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
_______________________________________ _ ____
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse’s ass?A mechanic.
____________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________
10) The three words men hate to hear during sex:
“Are you in?”
American Grandma
Here’s a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (twenties) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”
The old woman looked up at her and said, “Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it!”
In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England’s Prime Minister Tony Blair’s words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:
“A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in … And how many want out.” Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
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